If you’re not a fan of roller coasters, it’s probably the steel, loop-laden behemoths that scare you the most. If you’re a fan of riding coasters, though, you know that it’s the humble little wooden coasters that can really bring the pain. Sure, you’re probably not hitting any corkscrews or losing your lunch, but you can guarantee your coccyx is going to come out a little less intact.
When you see a classic, old wooden coaster, one that they didn’t even bother to paint the supports on? Get your hemorrhoid donut ready.
Here are nine wooden roller coasters that will make you afraid to look down not just because of the height, but because it feels like you might see some screws firing out of the sides…
Renegade: Valleyfair in Minnesota
The Renegade wooden rollercoaster is located in Shakopee, Minnesota, an extremely fitting home, because Shakopee are two things you might do while getting your bones rattled by this mound of timber. To officially qualify as a “wooden rollercoaster,” all the supports must be made of wood, which is charming in one way, and highly alarming in another.
This looks like it was purpose-built to provide superheroes with rescue opportunities.
Boardwalk Bullet: Kemah Boardwalk in Texas
I mean, look at this thing. The sign looks like it was made in Microsoft Word, which doesn’t make me feel comfortable about its ability to take me strictly where the track intends. You have the graphic design of a discount condom wrapper, and I’m supposed to trust you to drop me almost 100 feet? No thank you.
Predator: Six Flags Darien Lake in New York
I have to say, usage of the word “predator” always rubs me the wrong way, whether it’s a roller coaster or a hockey team (looking at you Nashville). I know that they mean from the animal kingdom, but we’ve all watched enough Law & Order: SVU that it’s hard for it not to have a sexual undertone. Or maybe they named it that on purpose, because by all accounts, the Predator does indeed do violence below the beltline.
Cyclone: Coney Island
An unquestionable classic and required inclusion is the famous Cyclone at Coney Island in New York. It’s a bona fide historical landmark, which is cool, but also slightly worrying when that historical landmark is responsible for sending you flying at 60 miles per hour.
Lightning Racer: Hershey Park in Pennsylvania
No, that’s not an old, charming boardwalk, that’s indeed part of the track of a roller coaster. Adding to the unease is that Lightning Racer is a unique “dueling” roller coaster that runs two trains at the same time, and they zoom right by each other at high speed more than once. Which means you can add “collision” to your list of regular roller-coaster fears.
Roller Coaster: Lagoon Amusement Park in Utah
If a roller coaster can get away with being called “Roller Coaster,” that’s a pretty good sign it’s done a couple laps around the track. This roller coaster opened over 100 years ago in 1923, and that’s all I’d need to see at the front of the line to raise my heart rate.
Hullamvasut: Holnemvolt Park in Hungary
The Hullamvasut is, admittedly, a fairly tame coaster. But ending up in a relatively small pile of splinters and lumber isn’t exactly great either. I generally don’t like seeing visibly rusted bolts on the drop I just came off of.
Leap the Dips: Lakemont Park in Pennsylvania
If the Hullamvasut was tame, this coaster is completely domesticated. It’s tiny, reaching only about 40 feet high at its tallest. It simply must be included, though, for one simple fact: It’s the oldest standing roller coaster in the world, first opened 122 years ago in 1902.
The Rattler: Six Flags Fiesta Texas
All the coasters shown so far are still operating, but the Rattler deserved inclusion even though it’s been long retired, just because of its reputation for outright pain.
This TripAdvisor review is a good representation of the kind of pain I’m talking about: “The wooden roller coaster the Rattler shakes you side to side the entire trip, without providing any sort of head rest/support for adults or teenagers. I don’t mean lightly shakes you side to side, but VIOLENTLY shakes you side to side. An eleven (11) year old girl in our group (NO PRIOR NECK INJURIES) complained the next day of a very sore neck, as did a 13 year old boy. Neither of these children have EVER had prior neck injuries.”